Jaws and Friends

My 9 year old son just spent his allowance money on a 30^th Anniversary Edition DVD of the movie Jaws. “The greatest of the shark eating people movies!” According to his 8 word review of the film. Why yes, I’d have to agree little man. Jaws is nautical miles above Shark Attack 3 – Megalodon (you want a good laugh, watch a scene or two of this gem on YouTube) and Giant Shark vs. (oh pick your ferocious animal and either put a “Mega” in front of it or a “Saurus” behind it. That’s how they do it on the SyFy channel.)

Until I became a mother, I had no idea how much little boys are into menacing creatures with sharp teeth and deadly bites. I have two older brothers. I do not remember this part of childhood. They are only 1 and 2 years older than me. We hung out. But one was into Olivia Newton John (Gimme me whatcha got, ready or not my love’s totally, Totally TOTALLY HOT!) – You gotta really hit that high note at the end to do Olivia justice. The other brother was into The Six Millon Dollar Man. Dn-Dn-Dn-Dn-Dn (that’s my imitation of Steve Austin during bionic slow-mo battle.) Six Miilion?! Today he’d be worth at least 500 million and he’d have his own reality show with Jaime Sommers probably on the SyFy network.

Okay, back to scary toothed beasts. I wonder if you google those 3 words together, “scary toothed beasts”, then click images, if a picture of Amy Winehouse will pop up. Somebody should try that and see. Anyway, my boys are picky about which creatures are allowed in their exclusive club of scary beasts worthy enough for them to want a stuffed animal version or watch a movie about. Take for instance the mandrill. I think it is the most terrifying looking animal in existence. It’s basically an evil baboon (aren’t they all really?) with gigantic fangs, a long blue and red snout and a mouth that can open wider than Steven Tyler’s. Come to think of it, mandrills actually resemble Steven Tyler. He used to be a drunk, he’s probably got a blue and red snout by now. I joke, Steven. You are very loved in my family.

But the mandrills are not scary enough for my boys. And they haven’t yet been the subject of a SyFy movie creature feature starring a who’s who of has been stars from the 1980’s. Although I think calling Lorenzo Lamas a star in any decade is a stretch not even my lower intestine in a zombie tug-of-war could handle. The mandrills may not make the list, but I bet they and other kinds of baboons would if I let my boys watch The Omen (like my parents let me and my siblings). Those baboons sucked. But they were nothing compared to that thing they were terrorizing in the car. Yikes. Me no likey evil kids in movies. That movie ruined a lot of things for me. Baboons, no thank you. Rottweilers, no thank you. Nannies in black dresses, no thank you. And kids named Damien. NO THANK YOU! If you are reading this and you happen to have a child under the age of 5 named Damien, do not…I repeat, DO NOT give him a tricycle for his birthday. Not a good idea, I promise.

Moving on. So baboons don’t make the list. Hippos, (which kill a shit load more people annually than a lot of the other creatures on their list, according to one of the Netflix instant play nature docs I watched once) don’t make the list. Komodo dragons on the other hand, are second in line behind the Great White Shark. King Cobras, crocodiles, anacondas, polar bears, wolverines (although I’m convinced that one has more to do with the X-Men.), bats (but only vampire ones), spiders, Sharktopusses, Crocosauruses and Piranacondas etc. You get the idea. They all make the cut. Those animals are cool because they might eat you. Nice. I must be raising either future "Crocodile Hunters" or B-movie directors. Which is fine with me as long as they don't bring any of those damn creatures into my house. Well not the real ones, the animatronic or plastic mold ones (you know, for the cheesy special effects) are okay with me. Love those boys, they are awesome. And Jaws just finished so I must conclude until another time. The end.