Computer nerds are taking over the world. And they know it. The rest of us just do what they tell us because we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. I click on a data tab in Excel and click some other bullshit and then some more and some more and then I cut and I paste and I sort and paste special and then Ta Da! All of the sudden my information is so neatly presented in a spreadsheet. But I have no idea how it really got there. Just some dude (which is a gender neutral term for the purposes of this blog) told me to click where I clicked and everything magically appeared where I wanted it to. And I only wanted it to because someone else told me that’s where I should want all of the data to be. Whoa. See? I am a little puppet. And because I am such a clueless little marionette, I could actually be creating little mechanical monsters that will slay us all in another 10 years while I really think I am creating reports about numbers, numbers, numbers!
I joke but then again I am serious. I have no idea how any person’s brain has the capacity to come up with this shit. I’m glad they do or I wouldn’t be able to blog like this. Having access to major celebrities via Twitter? Unheard of just 10 years ago. So imagine what another 10 years will bring? (Other than robots that will destroy us). Although I could use a Jetson’s style Rosie. She was a doll. Nothing is more awesome than a middle aged apron wearing robot. But I’d be nervous having a robot maid really. I mean she may seem all nice and “Rosie” (hee hee) because she is sweet and loving and folds your underwear, BUT, she IS a robot. And those fuckers will turn on you just as quickly as that cute little Tiger cub you foolishly thought you could domesticate and raise into a grown up Tiger pet (or Vegas Act, right Roy?) We’ve all seen the Alien movies. The androids all turned out to be dicks in the end. You just can’t trust them.
But daily we trust the people who are sure to create these killer robots of the future. We’re lost without them. The busiest people in every business are the IT people because no one will ever leave them alone. They don’t get 5 minutes of peace. No wonder they want to destroy us. I can’t say I blame them. If someone was in my office every 2 minutes because another system has gone wonky, or their email is locked up, or the system used to create their reports left some information out, I might plot their future demise as well. But you don’t have to worry about me because I wouldn’t begin to know what to do. The extent of my world domination would be me getting on Microsoft paint in Word. Drawing some very lame stick figures, printing them out, and then hanging them throughout the building one night while everyone was home asleep. It would look like the Blair Witch came for a visit after I was through with the place. And much like the audience for that movie, no one would be scared. At all.
I really feel a little bad for the computer dudes out there. I bet they are similar to the pickup truck driving dudes. (Remember gender neutral). People only call them when their computer takes a crap or for the pickup truck guys, when they are moving. My husband drives a pickup. He’s number one on a lot of folk's, “when we move, who to call” list. He never complains though. He does his civic duty. Just like all of the computer geeks out there. One of which is a friend of mine who drives a truck (or used to) AND fixes computers. So he gets used more than a famous octogenarian we all know. Give you a hint: TAKE THAT FUCKING ROBE OFF HEF, YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS! WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING ELASTIC BANDED JEANS LIKE ALL OF THE RESPECTABLE 80 YEAR OLDS OUT THERE! But Hef clearly likes being used for his money and good looks. (Cough cough). Hell maybe he was good looking once upon a time. He’s been an old gramps for as long as I can remember. And I’m pushing forty. He’s like the actor Max Von Sydow who recently turned 82. I remember Max as an actor when I was a kid. You could have told me he was 82 then and I would have believed you. I don’t believe IMDB. He must certainly be 125 by now.
Anyway, I have gone off on a large tangent. Hugh Hefner and killer robots in the same blog. Oooh Perhaps a future Roger Corman film? He’s older than Hef and Max. Perfect. Well only 4 days older than Hef. (Thank you again IMDB.)
Okay back to the IT guys. I joke about them but the truth is I am so grateful for them and their ability to keep the modern world running. Keep it up guys, I like watching movies with the click of a button (and a small monthly fee). I like being able to stalk old boyfriends on Facebook. Well at least the ones who have the courtesy to make their page and photos public. I like being able to diagnose my many ailments via a mouse click or two. I like being able to find out Roger Corman’s age without having to move very far to do it. I like that an Oscar winning actor told me I was funny and cute because he read my ode about him. I like that the airplanes stay in the sky at a super high percentage of the time. I like that I can pay a bill without begging a coworker for a stamp. I like you, very much, just as you are. You complete me. You had me at “Hello, did you try restarting your computer?” (Yeah right, like an IT guy ever says hello first.) And if I am secretly creating a race of psycho cyborgs, it is so worth it to me because my kids are leaving me alone right now to watch Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. A movie I would never exclusively pay for. I will however, click an instant play key and say, “All right boys, nothing to see here…move along. Go watch the creature feature.” Thanks.