The Classic Rock Blues

I have a serious case of the classic rock blues right now. The classic rock radio stations in my town play the same crap over and over. It’s ridiculous how much great old music they ignore just so we can hear a little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane again. I get it Mr. Disc Jockey. You have to play Jack and Diane at least 5 times a day or you won’t meet your John Cougar Mellencamp quota. Well I’m here to tell you, there are plenty of wonderful John Mellencamp songs out there that do not ever mention a dude named Jack or a chic named Diane. But how would you know? You never give them a try. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Pink Houses makes its way into the play list fairly often. So does that early one of his about needing a lover that won’t drive him crazy. Hey John! I need a Mellencamp song that won’t drive me crazy. How about some of his later songs people? They exist. I want to hear them!

It’s not just Mellencamp. They will not let Journey go away quietly. Don’t Stop Believin' is on the radio every day during at least one of my commutes. Dudes, I stopped believing a long time ago. Probably when you let Randy Jackson into your band. (Just kidding, I didn’t even know Randy Jackson was in your band until American Idol told me.) As soon as I hear that piano at the beginning, my fingers can’t click the station changer buttons fast enough. One bad click onto the wrong station though, and I’m in 38 Special land, yet again. My younger readers, you may be scratching your head going, “38 Special. Who the fuck are those guys?” Exactly. Oh it seems in classic rock radio world, they are one step away from the Beatles. At least you’d think so with as much airplay as they get. You know the band Asia was big in the eighties too, but nobody goes around playing them all the time anymore. I would trade a 38 Special song for an Asia song any day. “It was the heat of the moment, da da da da da da da!” I liked that song. Haven’t heard it since probably 1985. I could be wrong, but I’m guessing that if radio stations took 38 Special out of play rotation for, oh let’s say a month, not much hate mail will be generated because of it. Why don’t we try it, just for fuck’s sake.

Let’s move on to Led Zeppelin. How could I possibly have anything but a kind word for Robert Plant and company? No worries. My unkind words are not for the Zeppelins. They are for the DJs who mistakenly think that Black Dog and Stairway to Heaven are the only worthy Led Zeppelin songs. Have they never heard of a little album called Houses of the Holy? You can’t play a little No Quarter every once in a while? And don’t get me started on Pink Floyd. Ugghh. I don’t need to hear Money ever again. Ever. Again. Cool bass riff, no doubt. But enough already. I think listeners would love a little Shine on You Crazy Diamond if you’d just give them a chance. So what, it’s a long song. I know our attention spans are lacking, but for a great enchanting song, we will hold it. I promise. How do you think Phish got so many damn fans? It ain’t because they chop their songs into little bits so they fit nicely into a radio station’s play list. Nope. They make the music they want and their fans are the most loyal of any.

Speaking of chopping songs, nothing peeves me more than a radio station editing a song for length (or cuss word, right Charlie Daniels?) Sweet Child O’ Mine isn’t even long to begin with. You really have to cut out half of the guitar solo? Listen people, if you don’t have the attention span to listen to the greatest Guns N Roses song ever in its 6 minute entirety, then you need to place your little finger on the button that will take you to Radio Disney. I hear Miley Cyrus is a great singer. Well that’s if you like the same sound that came out of all those Little Orphan Annie wannabes who attended Elementary school with you. You know who they are. They always sang with big wide arms and annoying smiley faces while their stage mommies gestured their movements for them in the front row of the auditorium.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is a notoriously long classic rock song. But you will never hear the full length version on the radio. However, there is a terrific scene in the movie Manhunter where the song is the backdrop. The whole seventeen minutes plays during the climatic ending of the film and it’s just awesome and brilliant! One of Michael Mann’s best films, and it’s one his earliest. But I’m not here to talk movies. This is classic rock talk and I am burnt out on the same old stuff. C’mon radio, spice it up for me. Please?

I do have to give classic rock stations credit where credit is due. They know not to play the post-Disney versions of Elton John and Phil Collins. What happened to those guys? Anyone know? Why does doing a Disney soundtrack make you suck instantly afterward? Sorry dudes. You guys used to rock. And in fairness to Disney soundtracks, they were much better off before you two put your grubby little marks on them. You both need to go back to where you belong, real classic rock land. Elton, you need to shine up those Pinball Wizard boots you wore in the movie Tommy and rock that piano like you used to. Yes, I know it’s tedious how much they play Bennie and the Jets on the radio, but it beats that Circle of Life crap any day. As for you Phil, would it kill you to pull out your rusty old drum kit and rock our worlds like you did decades ago? I don’t care that you won an Oscar for that Tarzan song, (how did Blame Canada lose that one?) it’s lame and the best thing that came out of that movie was the discontinued Tarzan doll that beat his loincloth snake while doing the Tarzan yell.  

Now you might say to me about all of this, “Uh easy solution Meredith. Play CD’s or your iPod on your way to work. Duh.” I do play CD’s sometimes, but there is something about stumbling onto an old goodie by chance. Instant good mood when I click a station and one of my favorites that I don’t own and am too embarrassed to admit that I like turns up. (Can you say MacArthur Park?) Go ahead. Poke fun of me. It’s probably on the most hated songs of all time list, but it brings back wonderful childhood memories for me. So I love it. And it’s a real treat if it turns up on the radio. But you MacArthur Park haters do not need to worry. Classic rock stations will surely (and rightly so) never play Richard Harris music. But they will play lot’s of Eddie Money. So you go on and have fun with that.