My attempt at a movie review will look nothing like the
reviews from the Roger Eberts of the world. But I’m doing it anyway because I
love movies and I got shit to say about them (operative word = shit).
So I went to see “Lawless” this morning with my niece (who
is a 27 year old adult) after much pleading with my children to let me out of
the house. Little Normy Bates doesn’t always like his mother to see movies
without him. But since I need to keep any kid with the nickname Normy Bates as
far away from violence as possible, he was forced to stay home.
Lots of fun previews including one for a movie called “Looper”
where Joseph Gordon-Levitt wears colored contacts to make him look like a young
Bruce Willis and nothing like a Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Looks interesting and
fun. That Joseph sure is hot and a hot commodity these days.
I did not get to see a preview for my most anticipated movie
of this year, “Argo”. Ben Affleck’s next film. Thought I was going to get lucky
when the last preview opened in a middle eastern city. Nope – turned out to be
Liam Neeson playing John McClain or Jason Bourne or someone who kicks a lot of bad guy ass.
Back to “Lawless” - the great thing about seeing this movie
was I had no idea what to expect. I saw a trailer for it a long time ago but
didn’t remember it at all by the time the movie opened this weekend. The most I
knew was it was about moonshiners and starred greats like Gary Oldman and
Tom Hardy as well as the very much under-appreciated Guy Pearce.
The movie opens with a little boy freezing up when it’s time
to shoot a pig. His older tougher brother takes the gun and does the shooting
for him. This scene sets up the brotherly dynamic that will be displayed
throughout the rest of the film. The older brothers are no nonsense badasses
while little Sam Witwicky can’t do shit with a gun when Optimus Prime isn’t around
to babysit him. Turns out these band of brothers are the Bondurant boys who have
a reputation for being invincible and making the best moonshine in Franklin,
Virginia circa 1931.
If you haven’t guessed, the youngest Bondurant brother (Jack)
is played by Shia Labeouf whose character is a little too cocky for his level
of hardness. But he is a good actor and you do root for him to get mad and beat
the shit out of someone. That someone preferably to be Guy Pearce in a smarmy
role of a sadist named Charlie Rakes who has the law behind him, and who is
hell bent on getting a piece of the Bondurant pie. His appearance in this film
can best be described as The Little Rascal’s Alfalfa mixed with the demented
charm of Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s rotten left pinky toe. He’s gross and
terrifying, plain and simple. And let’s face it; it looks as if that middle part in
his hair was made by Tom Thumb’s tiny little lawn mower. Dude needed a shovel
to the face and it took way too long for him to receive it.
I will probably have to watch Pricilla Queen of the Desert
to like Guy Pearce again. (Well, and to see those ping pong balls popping out of
that woman’s cooch again. That’s always fun.)
Moving on. The oldest and the leader of the Bondurant brothers
is played by Tom Hardy who is a bit of a chameleon as an actor, and whose
resume has grown quite a bit over the last few years. He plays Forrest,
respected and feared in Franklin. His legend calls him immortal. Apparently he
cannot be killed but it’s not for lack of trying. Tom Hardy who is English, was praised and criticized for his
voice work in The Dark Knight Rises. In this film, he also has strange sounds
coming from his vocal chords. I’m not saying they don’t work. I am saying they make
him sound as though he is the offspring of a Foghorn Leghorn/Sgt. Barnes from
Platoon sexual union.
But those lips, oh those sweet sugary balloon animal lips
make me forgive any and all of the grunts and mumbles. Although Tom Hardy is a
chameleon, it’s those beautiful lips that give him away.
The middle brother, Howard, is a played by an Aussie actor
named Jason Clarke. He is the most untamed of the Bondurant brothers. But a
good man to have on your side of the fight.
One of the subplots involves Gary Oldman as gangster Floyd
Banner who makes the boys major bucks by being a good customer. Here Gary
really doesn’t have much to do. However, he does get to have a least one psycho
Gary Oldman moment. And that’s all we ever really ask of him, right? Worth the cost of my gourmet pretzel for sure.
The other subplots involve love for two of the Bondurant
brothers. Jessica Chastain, looking as radiant and damaged as ever, plays
Maggie Beauford, an ex-dancer from Chicago looking for a quieter life in the
boonies. She starts working at the Bondurant’s bar and falls for Forrest in the
process. The woman has the most angelic face, and I just can’t get enough of
looking at it. I honestly think the world would be a better place if we could
all cuddle a blanket of her hair nightly.
The other love story revolves around young Jack and the very
religious yet rebellious Bertha Minnix, played by Mia Wasikowska. Go on and
pronounce that one. It was hard enough to spell it. No one knows how to say her
name, which will unfairly hurt her future Oscar chances. She is sweet, and her
face is so innocent in this film she is like a Precious Moments doll come to
life. Bertha’s dad despises the lawless Bondurants, so it’s not an easy road
to her heart for Jack.
The movie is very violent. Look away kind of violence
actually. Especially a hotel room scene with a pretty package sent to Charlie
Rakes. Oh lawd. I wish I could Eternal Sunshine the Spotless Mind that one from
my memory banks.
In the end I’m glad I saw Lawless because it was
entertaining, well acted and beautifully filmed. Sure there are flaws but I don’t
expect all of my dollars to go to flawless entertainment. I am happy I gave two
hours of my life to this film. Oh and if I can mention those Tom Hardy lips one
last time. It was easy to pay to look at those. Easy.