Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Urethra Franklin

This is a story about my bladder. Her name is Urethra Franklin. She controls my life. She always has, and I fear she always will.

Every time I arrive at a new destination, the first thing Urethra Franklin does is look for the closest toilet. This can be a real inconvenience at rodeos, kids’ sporting events and construction sites. But Urethra Franklin doesn’t care. She will make friends with any hole in the ground or bush or port-o-potty in town. She’s social like that. But she’s also a bit of a nuisance and a little selfish. She never thinks of me, and how much I might not like peeing all over my feet when I am squatting behind a bush. It makes for itchy ankles dammit!

And she has no regard for the damage a port-o-potty causes my olfactory glands. Also, I don’t know why, but I enter one of those nasty things and my inner dialogue goes something like this: “Don’t look down, don’t look down, don’t look down.” I look down every time. The port-o-potty poopers are never constipated are they? I guess that makes sense. Constipated folks would probably always be able to hold their poop until they reach a respectable facility.

Sorry. How gross. My pee blog has turned into a poop blog. Back to Urethra Franklin and her hold on my life.

It’s so bad that if I were a creepy astronaut who needed to drive across the country to stalk my love triangle rival, Urethra Franklin would absolutely scoff at those NASA issued nappies. Oh no. She’d want to go straight to a catheter. Catheter with a Hefty Cinch Sak attached to it because Urethra Franklin would laugh, maniacally, at any and all hospital issued catheters. She knows her limits, what can I say?

Here’s a brief look at how it all started:
In the early 70’s when I was 3 months old, I had to have surgery to correct a bladder issue. I couldn’t pee. So my tiny baby body on the inside was turning into a little garbage dump where the waste was just hanging out with nothing to do and nowhere to go. (Much like David Hasselhoff’s career.) The surgery broke the dam and the pee flowed and I was a perfect little baby again. BUT my bladder capacity has sucked ever since.

Fast forward to the present day, (post birthing 3 babies) and there is no more laughing, coughing, trampoline bouncing or leap frogging unless I’ve got my Poise in place. Damn. I’d never make it as Super Mario, I’d have to change my diaper before the end of each level. And the clock would run out and Bowser would win. Again and again and again.

Thanks Urethra. Where is the R-E-S-P-E-C-T?  

Monday, May 30, 2011

Ode To Russell Crowe

Russell Russell the masculine,
A rugby team and an Oscar win.
The projection of your soulful eyes,
Fills the theater with my sighs.

My popcorn bucket catches my drool,
My sweater shrinks from your heat (it’s made of wool.)
Wool comes from New Zealand and so do you,
We have a T-rex, her name is Sue.

First saw you as the menacing Hando,
I knew right away you were as good as Brando.
A few years later you showed your might,
As a badass policeman named Bud White.

Sigh, sigh, sigh and sigh again,
Did Australia always export such manly men?
The Insider showed what I already knew,
You had the chops to be one of the true
Actors of the modern age,
Do you know what happened to Nicolas Cage?

I joke, I kid, I love Kal-El’s dad
He did Leaving Las Vegas, it was sad.
But you were a Gladiator and took home the gold,
The second you showed up on screen, I was sold.
Then Denzel took away your 2 in a row,
But damn he was psycho as Alonzo.

A Master and Commander and a Cinderella Man,
Solidified my hobby as your loyal fan.
Then Robin Hood and your chemistry with Cate,
Made me want to master…er I mean see Master and Commander again, right mate?
I’ll keep watching as long as you act,
And that my friend is a matter of fact.



Hi. My name is Meredith. I’m not a doctor but I played one once. Not on TV though. It was behind a ‘never-wake-up-berry’ bush on the east side of Indianapolis with a boy named Danny.

I sometimes wonder what ever happened to Danny. Our kindergarten teacher had to separate us after a pecking session during Sesame Street one morning. Danny was the cutest kindergartener I had ever seen. He was like the Brad Pitt of Ms. Walter’s a.m. class. And I was the most dude-ish girl kindergartener in the mix. For real. I liked Garanimal’s overalls and hated my comb. But Danny wanted to smooch me. (Well and a girlie girl named Tiffany.) But she only got 1 peck to my 3. Ha. Ha. Ha. And I remember it was during one of Count Chocula’s little number lessons.  Or whatever that little vampire dude’s name was. He was a Count who counted (pssst. Good one Sesame Street.) And Danny clearly had a thing for numbers and butchy girls. Sooooo, my guess is Danny is now an accountant with a strong appreciation for Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat? Right Danny?

But I digress. Back to my introduction. I am a mom to 3 kids. They are half Kiwi kids. Their dad left the beautiful “land of the long white cloud” where he grew up splashing about in the Tasman Sea, for a life in the flatlands of the Midwestern United States. You better go outside after a good rain if you want to play in a non-man-made body of water where we live. I think he must be at least a little bit crazy.

Anyway – enough about him. This is about me. I thought it might be helpful to start my first blog with a list of the Most Frequently Asked Questions:

Question 1: Why did you start a blog? There’s a million of them out there already. Who the hell is gonna stop their busy life to read yours?

Answer: Good question. I don’t have an answer.

Question 2: You’re getting another Diet Coke mom? Why do you have to go to McDonald’s every single day to get Diet Coke!?

Answer: Why don’t you worry about yourself. I’m an adult and if I want to poison my body with fizzy sugar free caramel colored goodness, then that is my business. NEXT!

Question 3: What’s that actor’s name who played Goose in Grease 2? I see that dude everywhere.

Answer: His name is Christopher McDonald and he has steadily been working as a character actor since the early eighties. Good question!

Question 4: Why on earth does Shaggy let Scooby Doo consume so much crap human food? I know I’ve seen that dog eat a chocolate cake once. That is very neglectful.

Answer: Hi. Yes it is neglectful to feed your pooch a chocolate cake. However, Scooby Doo is a cartoon character. He can’t die. Perhaps you’ve never seen a cartoon before?

Question 5: If kidnappers were holding Russell Crowe hostage and would only release him to you if you gave them your case of Wonka Bars, what would you do?

Answer: Really? We’re talking Russell Crowe here right? Good grief, do you know nothing woman? It would totally depend on how many golden tickets were left in rotation. Duh.

Question 6: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Answer: Screw you. I hate tongue twisters.

Question 7: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Answer: Yep. And so does Rand McNally. Do yourself a favor and buy a road atlas dumb shit.

Question 8: Who does Spock’s eyebrows?

Answer: I’m not positive, but rumor has it that he goes to an unorthodox eyebrow threader named Candy who runs a shop on the west side of the Milky Way. His human side makes him illogical on occasion.

Question 9: Who was the hottest president of the United States?

Answer: Well the most common and popular answer is the 35th President, John F. Kennedy. However, the lesser known 14th President, Franklin Pierce was not so shabby. He had wild dark curly hair that was a smidgeon better tamed than Gene Wilder, AND he had a sharp nose with soulful little eyes. He gets my vote. I would love to see a 21st century version of him. Hmmm. I picture Colin Firth…of course.

Question 10: If you had a dollar for every time someone mistook you for Julia Roberts, how much money would you have?

Answer: One dollar. But that’s cool, that’ll buy me a Diet Coke from McDonald’s. It was in a public Bathroom at Indiana University. A middle-aged woman came in and nearly fell over herself because she thought I was America’s Sweetheart. I get the horse teeth and big auburn hair bit. But Julia has brown eyes and is about 3 feet taller than me. OH and there is that little part about her being a BIG, GIANT MOVIE STAR! Probably not hanging out at the student union. But it was funny at the time.

So there you have it. My intro. In short, I’m just a woman trying to balance motherhood, wifeyness, work, extended family, movies and all the other crap that life brings me AND laugh as much as possible while doing it (to keep me from crying.)  

Oh and most importantly, I love Russell Crowe. So I may mention him from time to time. Enjoy. :)