Hush little baby don’t say a word, grandma’s gonna buy you
another stuffed bird. Then 4 stuffed kittens, 3 Hello Kittys, a moose who sings
Jingle Bells and a unicorn that doubles as a nightlight. And that’s just on an
average week. You sensing a pattern here? Do you know a place that counsels old
ladies with an addiction to plush creatures? I think I heard my mom was a bit
randy in the ‘70s. I’m absolutely shocked she never joined a band of furries! Glad
she didn’t of course. But shocked nevertheless. (Wait, did they even have furries yet?) You see, I’m running
out of room to house all the stuffed animals in my daughter’s assortment. I’m
using clothesbaskets now. Not only that, I turn into a furry freak myself while
trying to arrange them because I hate for one to be completely covered by
another one, as though it won’t be able to breathe. It’s bad, people. Bad. And
as anyone who has a mother who is a grandmother can attest, you can’t stop
them. They are unstoppable. “Oh it was just so sweet Meredith. I knew she’d
love it. And it was only $5.” (You’re killing me Kohl’s. You and your rotating
collection of $5 character charity plushes are killing me. My family is
suffocating in acrylic fiber!)
ET could be hiding in my daughter’s closet, and I’d never
know. My mom always reminded me of actress Dee Wallace who played ET’s
unwitting Earth mom. But actually she’s me. I mean I’m her. My kids (who are of
similar ages and genders of ET’s earth friends) could be those kids. OMG – I
see my future and it has a phone that plugs into a wall in it! Sorry, I go off
on a side and can’t get back. Phone home Meredith, phone home. Where was I? Oh
yes, trashing Kohl’s. No, I love Kohl’s. They have a sale. Every day. Wait, I
was done trashing Kohl’s. I brought up ET because my point really is…if my
children did befriend a wobbly candy eating alien and needed a place to hide it
from Peter Coyote, then I’ve got the best closet anyone has ever hidden in.
Oooh – I really need to rethink that sentence. But I’d rather move on.
My daughter typically sleeps with one special faux critter a
night. Many a night she’ll wake up and prance her way into my bedroom with
special critter in tow. My husband and I share a queen-sized bed currently and
unfortunately. A few weeks ago my darling child chose to sleep with her
Toothless stuffed animal. You know Toothless? He is the protagonist dragon from
How to Train Your Dragon. And this plush version of him is not small. Middle of
that night:…thump thump thump thump thump thump jump! Right into my bed with Toothless.
It was 2:00 am, and lying in my bed was a grown man on the right, a grown woman
on the left, and a 5 year old with her Doberman pinscher sized dragon in the
middle! Luckily for me I had about a balance beam sized portion of the bed to
stretch my ummm…toes. When that night was over, my husband and I both looked as
though we’d had a fight with a dragon in our sleep. It was really rather
ridiculous. If I were a more capable parent, I’d stop her mid creep, and walk her
back to her own bed. But that would make the kind of sense I don’t have when
I’m sleeping. The following night, I was ever so grateful when she chose Pepper
to sleep with her. (Pepper is a cat the size of a mouse.)
So today, I picked my mother up to look after my youngest so
that I could work from home. My older boys can entertain themselves. Littlest
one wants attention. She wants to play puppet show, and big box store and lots of
things that involve plush creatures. Well who better to play with than little old
grandma herself?! As I was sitting in her driveway and watched her emerge from
her house, I noticed a pair of large eyes peering out of a plastic bag. Grandma
had gone and done it again. What was it this time? A pink octopus? A dog
wearing a fireman’s hat? A snow leopard? No. It was another Hello Kitty. This
one dances to Jingle Bells. (Because a moose singing Jingle Bells is never
quite enough Jingle Bells.) Then I heard about the Dory and the Mike and the
Firetruck they currently have at Kohl’s. Which means I need to free up another
laundry basket…real soon.
I jest about my mom, but it must be said, the patience and
pure love that emanates from her in regard to my children through each and
every interaction is something to behold. It makes telling that silly old bat
to stop buying stuffed animals for my daughter that much more difficult. So I
don’t and I won’t. Besides, I think I have a soft spot for all that plush.
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